IDK I guess I'm blogging now

11/3/2025 Forgive me for the state of my website right now. I'm very unfamiliar with HTML and have to look up a guide for each edit. It doesn't help that I only make edits to the site once in a blue moon. So, I just feel like I need to write. I feel the compulsion to share it with people. I don't think it's something that would add anything special to anyone's life. I just would hate for things to be locked away in a book that I rarely open for a decade. I also think this gives me the chance to reflect more on my writing in ways I don't get to when I write in a notebook. Anyway, the only way I feel like I can start this is just stating how hard it is to live. Like some people don't struggle, but I sure do. Some days feel easy, but I haven't had an easy day in a long while. And it's not external. Yes, the weight of everything going on in the world is beyond crushing. Yes, apathy seems like the only thing to feel. But, that hasn't been my problem. Mostly, I stuggle with emotional regulation. And I would say that's something I've never really struggled with before, but that's a lie. I think I didn't identify it as that until I had a therapist who put words to it. I've really never struggled with it to this extent, though. Before, it felt like just teenager horomones, not keeping a hold on my anger or saddness. It was never in front of anyone. Always as soon as I shut my bedroom door, I'd sit in the dark quietly sobbing to myself or maybe trying to rip a pillow apart. Today, I'm stuggling not to cry at work, have to leave classes because I'm so emotional. My girlfriend can say pretty much anything and my brain twists it into something that makes my knees buckles and starts me weeping. The scariest thing to me is that I literally don't know what it is. I'm stressed. I have a lot of reasons to be stressed. But, I always have. Is this just the moment I finally crack on years and years of building pressure? Lately, I've had stress dreams everynight. I just moved into a new apartment and seem to experience them every time I move. But, I've been here for a couple of months now, way past the point where the usually abate. I feel stunted. I've had dreams where I get texts from ex-friends just to tell me I hurt them. I've had dreams that I used the wrong materials in my art classes and ruined the assignments which took me hours. They all seem to revolve around me ruing something or facing something I already have ruined. I've beeen trying to counter that feeling by intentionally messing up personal art projects to make myself feel like it's okay. The feeling never goes away. My therapist like to tell me that Oprah says "shame isn't a good motivator." I'm not like an Oprah fan or anything, I just think it's funny to quote someone quoting someone. I know I've struggled with shame all my life, but this is a different level. I feel like I've regressed to my teenage self, more than regressed. I feel like I've hit some form of rock bottom. It's always hard to tell. I know I'm there but it doesn't look like it, it doesn't feel like it in a lot of way. But, I know myself and I am there. What's even more damning than all that is that I've cut out my vices. All the bad things in life that are just entertainment and distraction, not fulfilling. I have a dumbphone without internet on it. I have a blocker for my computer so I can't access all the websites I just scroll on. str